(continued)
Most questions about relationships can be answered quite simply if we ask ourselves this question: What does love do?
Let me start with my love for God. Loving Him means the thankful acceptance of all things which His love has appointed. We learn to love Him as we learn to “frame our hearts to the burden,” as Samuel Rutherford said. Clothes on the floor constitute, at worst, a small “burden.” This, if not accepted as soon as we find that we are not in a position to change it, becomes an irritation which becomes resentment which becomes real anger and, eventually, along with all the irritations not accepted for the love of God, full-dressed hatred. “Whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him” (1 Jn 2:11, NIV). No wonder we lose our way. No wonder we are baffled. Darkness descends because we do not ask the Lord to teach us love.
Surely the questioner would protest that she does not hate her husband. But she certainly hates what he does, and marriages break up when “small” things accumulate and resentments build. Love is the intention of unity. Resentment is the destroyer of unity.
John S. Dwight (1813-93) said, “Rest is the fitting of self to its sphere.” If in my “sphere” I find things out of place through someone else’s fault, this is my opportunity to fit myself, to give a little, to do the small thing that should have been done by the other. Love is very patient, very kind, never rude, never selfish. And it’s amazing what rest comes from the gentle fitting of self to its sphere.
Now as to the “handling” of resentment? Again, turn your eyes upon Jesus. Had He good reason to be resentful? Did people treat Him with respect, believe His words, trust His judgments, follow His leading, love and obey Him? Think on these powerful words:
If you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. “He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.” When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly …. By his wounds you have been healed. (1 Pt 2:20-24, NIV)
Some things may legitimately be alleviated, others necessarily endured. May we be wise enough to know the difference.
“If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into the vice of self-pity and self-sympathy; if I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love” (Amy Carmichael, IF, p. 29).
But how trivial our complaints appear in the light of Christ!
**Excerpt originally published in The Elisabeth Elliot Newsletter September/October 1994